i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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