my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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