it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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