You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Still dying that you shit outside
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Randomize
