I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
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He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
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Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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