Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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