I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
