I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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