Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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