Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
