Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
