thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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