Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
