i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
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I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
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Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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