I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
