but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
