Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Randomize
