U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
only you would photoshop your dick
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
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