I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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