There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
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