There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Sorry about my life...
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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