Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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