Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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