guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Ladies don't puke and tell
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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