Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
