when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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