And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
