Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
