God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
