just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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