Cold hands, warm shart.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
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