the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
