the condom got lost in my hair
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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