So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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