is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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