Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
