Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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