just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
