I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
