im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
