she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
