Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Randomize
