Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Randomize
