eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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