Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
