Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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