i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
