My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
