I wish I could punch you in the face.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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