You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
