Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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