if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
