im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
