you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Why did my mother make you get naked?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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