it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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