My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
