I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
