I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
