the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
